Hold That Thought

There's just no time lately. I can't explain how there is no time, it seems as though there should be some space in a day (prior to one seventeen am) to reflect or think, but there's just not. Last night I had a great thought to put up here but I couldnt get up before i fell asleep and whatever it was is lost forever. It can just be the fish that got away ok? But at least I think i've figured out why there is no time. It must be because i work three jobs. School- thats the given, i mean, it is my job. I'm paying for it to be my job and i love it. Job, joy, school is both. Then there's my job, the arc lab, thats awesome. Minimal on the scale of things. Then there's IV. Ministry. This ends up being a job in itself. Investing in people is a full time job, and I'm only able to work at it part time. This frustrates me. I'm out of hours before I even start.
Enter date night with my roomate. Datenight with jiff is like my favorite time of the week. It used to be fridays but it's moved to mondays and there is not the added bonus of working through Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton. First of all, let me just say, either it's a new book since I read it two years ago or I'm a new woman. It's still as rich as it was, maybe richer grande merci to life experience in the text. Anyways, this weeks passage was on the desert- on our need for the Lord's presence. One particuar point that stuck in my mind was the idea that with all of the appliances, electronics, technology etc we have today we think we dont need God's presence, his power. We become so busy that we think it's us doing the work. So rather than the desert teaching us where the water really is, we start thinking we're the oasis. Or maybe this is just me. But none the less, in the desert of every day life I am propped up by all these gadgets that get me through the day running on empty all the while. The gadgets take me over and wear me out, they start ruling me when I thought I could rule them. Before I know it, my ministry is about me helping people, not about me loving people.
Enter monastery. I'm packing it up from the wilderness for a few days and heading to the oasis. I cant do this under my own power. I havent even had time to pray or read scripture lately, unless it was a scheduled group. I even had the audacity when something came into my head to write about and pray about to say, "thats nice Lord, I'm busy right now hold that thought. Ill talk to you tomorrow." Not cool. Not cool at all. So, here we come priority reshuffiling. Here we come quiet, lack of schedule, reading, study, and rest. Thanks be to God! For the next few days, here is a lovely piece from last night's chapter. enjoy my lovelies.

love. anna

"The desert is the home of despair. And despair, now, is everywhere. Let us not think that our interior solitude consists in the acceptance of defeat. We cannot escape anything by consenting tacitly to be defeated. Despair is an abyss without bottom. Do not think to close it by consenting to it and trying to forget you have consented.
This, then, is our desert: to live facing despair, but not to consent. To trample it down under hope in the Cross. To wage war against despair unceasingly. That war is our wilderness. If we wage it corageously we will find Christ at our side. If we cannot face it, we will never find Him." -Thomas Merton-- Thoughts in Solitude, p8.